If Toddlers Could Read Substack

Me showing off American Capitalism in Hungary right before they threw out the communists (Bet you didn’t know I caused that)

If toddlers knew how to read substack, writers on here would flood your feed with the following garbage:

“Take my $1000 course and learn 10 neat tricks to convince your parents to stay up all night! 80% off* your first session!”

“How much your parents lie, and why good behavior isn't worth the bother.”

“Republican/democrat bill before congress grossly expands/caps/threatens toddler allowances.”

“Hi this is my first post I'm new to substack, and I'm looking to connect to other toddlers.” (This one has 400 likes, 75 comments, 120 restacks, and the profile picture is a giant monster truck or a barbie dreamhouse)

“I hate kids with lots of toys, they are twisted empty husks seeking to fill a vacuum with plastic.”

“Eat this not that: which pouches and gummies in the pantry help you spin faster and scream longer.”

“The shocking truth behind an all-sugar diet.”

“One simple trick guaranteed to stretch your parents’ five minute warning to twenty or more minutes.”